Today, I am going to take a departure from my normal blogging and bring you something “special”. Normally I like to stick to the themes of recommending the best toys, adventurous things you can do in bed and other crazy things. Today we are doing it differently. People always keep asking me about the cheap sex swings. Sex swings cost a lot, I know this, but there are options if your standards are different than mine. I am in the mindset – they are meant to support your body weight, hanging from a ceiling while you get all freaky. A quality swing is not going to be cheap.
But since everyone wants them, here the are. The cheap fucking sex swings. Have fun with that, but remember this is not a recommendation of swings, it is a list of options outside my advice.
When is a Cheap Sex Swing OK?
My normal reaction would be to say NEVER, but there is always going to be that one person that insists that they need the cheapest one they can find. So brainstorming on this all afternoon, I came up with a list of cases where these piece of shit swings may be acceptable to purchase.
Gag Gifts – So your buddy is getting married and you think you need to get him a gag gift. You throw down $20 and buy something like this. Of course, you only do this if you don't really like him that much, definitely dislike his girl and expect him to never want to actually use it.
Going Away Fuck – You are going to break it off with your girlfriend anyway and you are going to try to score one last time, she's a good fuck after all. You buy the cheap ass swing because at least for you it will be sorta fun and it will put her through some level of physical torment. After that, she will probably leave you and save you the trouble of being the bad guy.
Blow Up Dolls – Your girlfriend happens to be inflatable and she just will not mind. In this case, I am like, go cheap or go home… You already went the most cost saving route with the doll and hell, why bother spending anything on good toys. In this case I give you my full approval and blessing to go cheap!
You Can't Read – No shit. I am not joking here. I have web data that can track peoples activity on this page and people will just skip all of these words, see the image and the price of $25 and click it. I will make money by telling you how much this thing actually sucks because you are not reading that it sucks and will just buy on price. Seriously, have fun with that and being newly single. (I will keep you posted with exact figures)
Why Avoid Cheap Ones?
When people are referring to cheap sex swings, they are not just talking about the price tag that comes with it, with a cheaper price comes cheaper webbing, cheaper foam, cheaper hardware, basically as unsafe as you can get hanging from your ceiling. They are shit disguised as a swing. Yeah, yeah, they look all pretty with the Pablo Picasso looking silicone doll sitting in them for the picture (I love the breast coverage here… check it out), but if you actually take one of them out of the box you are left scratching your head like WTF is this? Did someone send me the wrong fucking product? No. It really does just come like that.
Basically, they use foam that is a firm as yesterdays toilet paper, webbing that is thinner than your dick and they hold it together with the hardware they recovered from a Cracker Jack box. In the end, if you make it to the end, just hope you do not lose any limbs due to lack of circulation, suffer from a concussion or bite your tongue off in the fall to the floor. But the pictures of these products can be pretty.
But it had all 5 Star Reviews?
Funny how that works isn't it? A fucking little army of Chinese bastards over there writing reviews for their own products and posting them online.
Here are some reviews all from the same item. See what you think is real?
Yes – It actually said “spinning” and “360” in the title. It clearly does not spin. It is a 2 point sex swing. I am guessing they could not get it to work right in translate and saw it as a common buzz word and thought, “What the hell? lets stick it in there for ‘clicks'”.
Like I said above, there are those that will not actually read this and skip right to the image, so I am going to go ahead and post this product affiliate link here so when some cheap ass goes straight for the price and skips actually caring about what they are buying, I will make my $0.95 on the sale.
Wrapping It Up
If by chance, you are still reading this and have not abandoned me and you are not off shopping on Amazon, please share the shit out of this article. If I get more shares, I can be famous and make more money. If you actually own one of these swings, please share a picture! I gotta see this!